by Ian Lang
Published:
Friday, February 10, 2012
Why Picking Up Girls Isn't A Science
<a href="http://ca.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_600/665_how-to-talk-to-women.html"> <img src="http://images.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_600/665_how-to-talk-to-women-1057380-flash.jpg" alt="Credit: dating/curtsmith_600/665_how-to-talk-to-women-1057380-flash.jpg" /></a><br /> <em>It's A Man's World" is a column on anything and everything related to the modern man,by Ian Lang.</em><em> If there are any topics you'd like to see addressed here, sendthem to us at <em><a href="mailto:editorial@askmen.com">editorial@askmen.com</a>, orlet us know in the comments section.</em></em>Who doesn’twant to do better with the ladies? Even if you’re in a steady relationship (or evenmarried), it’s nice to know you’ve still “got it” when it comes tothe fairer sex. Sadly, nature (being the mother of all cock blocks) makes it difficult forus by making women harder to figure out than the Riemann hypothesis. This is good forwomen because it makes it such that only the most capable of suitors find themselvesgetting the ladies’ attention (a damning example of the 80/20 rule if I ever sawone).<h3>Does this secret weapon even work?</h3>Fortunately for men, all is not lost. Our secret weapon in the battle of the sexes isknown as the dating coach, a “professional” who, ostensibly, has the know-howand skill necessary to transform Stan Marsh into Steve McQueen. Indeed, many companies andindividuals advertise guaranteed results, though I’m not sure how they define aresult. Thousands of men spend tens of thousands of dollars every year on books, seminarsand boot camps hoping to improve their chances of consensual coitus.There issuch a thing as a good <a href="http://www.askmen.com/dating/">dating</a> coach (I’mby and large a fan of <ahref="http://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_600/637_your-first-kiss.html"target="_blank">David Wygant’s writing</a>, here on AskMen and elsewhere, and thereare a handful of other good dating gurus whose writing appears on this site), but most ofthese coaches are good at teaching men overall life skills and applying them specificallyin a romantic setting. Because, really, that’s more or less what dating successboils down to -- social skills. Men who are able to read into social cues and respondaccordingly are simply going to be more successful in any situation (including dating)than men who are not, regardless of looks, status, etc. But instead ofjust teaching broad, common-sense concepts that would neither fill many pages nor beconsidered revolutionary to many readers, many dating gurus develop theories andstrategies that promise to unlock the secrets of exactly what you need to say and do inorder to score that hot half-Asian/half-Colombian girl beckoning you from across the bar(I know most guys like blondes, but it’s my column, so we’re using myfantasy).<ahref="http://askmen.com//video/dating/the-truth-about-talking-to-women-video.html">RELATEDVIDEO: The Truth About Talking To Women</a><h3>Practice does not always make perfect</h3>To demonstrate my problem with this, I’m reminded of a fraternity brother of mine.He purchased some dating books and would often “try out” some of the lines onhis female roommate. I give him a lot of credit for at least practicing, but,unsurprisingly, his roommate’s typical response was, “No, that probablywouldn’t work.” Similarly, I recall being in a bar in Stamford, CT, sittingnext to two women who were maybe in their 30s. A guy my age approached and proceeded tospit out entire routines of canned pickup material. Despite making no headway whatsoever,he plowed ahead with all the finesse of a torch juggler, finally asking for and beingdenied phone numbers.Both anecdotes represent the fundamental problem with anydating manual: There’s no such thing as a universally perfect pickup line. Myreasonably good-looking and successful fraternity brother’s lines fell flat for thesame reason those of the nerdy kid did. It doesn’t matter how brilliant something ison paper or coming from someone else’s mouth, because if it’s not somethingthat you would naturally say, women are going to know it. A chubby, awkward guy trying todemonstrate status by telling a girl his ex was a model will come across as lessbelievable than a bunch of politicians playing an honest game of poker. For as much asdating books highlight women’s heightened ability to pick up on social cues, much oftheir advice centers on boldly ignoring that and misrepresenting yourself in one way oranother.Every single poll of women says the same thing: The number one thingthey look for in a man is confidence. I don’t doubt this, but most men misunderstandor misconstrue what confidence really is. Going out of your way to demonstrate your valueas a suitor is the opposite of confidence. All the money, all the status in the world isrendered moot when you have to flaunt it for attention.<h3>Confidence is the starting place</h3><ahref="http://www.askmen.com/money/body_and_mind_150/173_better_living.html">Confidence</a>is a result, not a cause. A lack of confidence isn’t necessarily the result offailure, but rather the failure to meet expectations. If you’re unemployed but feellike you should be working on Wall Street, then you’re not going to feel verycomfortable in your own skin. But if you’re unemployed but have a realistic view ofwhat you can do to get back on your feet, you’ll have a lot less anxiety. Womenrecognize that. Musicians get laid for two reasons: 1) They can play music, and 2) Most ofthem genuinely believe that the sky’s the limit in terms of their success. That kindof steadfast optimism and self-assuredness is intoxicating.If you findyourself failing with women, maybe the problem is less about the man you are and moreabout how comfortable you are being that man. Don’t look for pickup lines, cure-allsor secret codes, because none of it will work if you’re not in the right placementally. Reevaluate your ambitions and goals, and you’ll start coming across toothers (men and women alike) as more stable, easygoing and, most importantly,confident.If you need a dating or life coach to help you do that, fine.Remember, if there really was a successful formula for figuring out women, whoever came upwith it would be a lot richer and a lot more famous than any pickup artist you’veheard of.<em>Help make Ian Twitter famous at <ahref="https://twitter.com/#!/TheIanLang" target="_blank">@TheIanLang</a>.</em> <p> <a href="http://ca.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_600/665_how-to-talk-to-women.html">Continue Reading</a> </p>
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